Stop

While all marriages involve a unique set of circumstances, every marriage will also at some point meet with some very common issues. As time goes on you quickly realize the honeymoon is over and every marriage takes some effort. You will witness that conflicts will occur more regularly then they used to, and typically regarding small things that you would have thought pointless before.

You might disagree on what to watch on tv, or who’s turn it is to fill the dishwasher, small things that don’t appear important.

One fight seems to spur another one. The next thing you know, you’re fighting more than you’re doing anything else. Arguments can grow so acrimonious that sooner or later, little is left between the couple than bitter feelings and spite. If this climate continues, your marriage may be destroyed.

However, as I have already mentioned above this is common in all relationships, it is simply a fact of life and if you know a few simple tips you can rapidly learn how to stop marriage fighting before it becomes a serious issue.

Remove Yourself From the Conflict

One of the most vital things in understanding how to stop marriage fighting is being mature enough to walk away and allowing some time for everybody to cool down.

When it comes to a marriage, it’s sometimes okay to ‘go to bed angry’.
Just like in other types of relationships, there may be times that you should sleep it off so that you can psychologically get to a place to be able to compromise or see your spouse’s viewpoint.

You do not necessarily need to leave it a whole night, in some cases just walking away for 20 minutes can avoid a serious row, returning and talking about the issue in a mature fashion and not just yelling and insulting each other.

Make The Choice

It takes both people to have a fight. You can’t be part of a fight without making the decision to engage.
When we fight, we are stuck in the mindset that we need to be right, or to prove that we’re superior in our reasoning.

Marriage isn’t about winning. As a matter of fact, when one person ‘wins,’ both parties lose. You didn’t get married to win or to be right. You got married because you wanted to be a joined unit; you pledged to be on the same team. Don’t lose sight of that.

Instead of getting angry and taking everything too seriously, you can make a small joke, nothing insulting but just designed to add some humor to the situation and calm the mood.

Find Help From Outside

Sometimes we need an objective observer to help us sort things out. Therapy is often a means to learn the tools we need as a couple to put our fighting aside. This can be vital in getting to the core of a problem, a successful marriage is all about communication.

Abstain From Recrimination

If you have a problem between you and your partner, sit down calmly and talk about it.
Before you speak, take a moment to gather what you want to say.
If you really want to stop fighting all the time, then take steps to change how you come across.

Do not place blame on your partner for anything, but instead discuss the problem and how it affects you.
Don’t infuse your anger and resentment into your voice. Hostility isn’t going to lead to a cease fire.

Rather, keep your voice calm and even. Ask your spouse questions and really listen to what they have to say in response instead of merely waiting to interupt with your reasons why they are wrong and you’re right.

Compromise is key, you don’t always need to be right. Try and find solutions to the problems that work for you both. No one is perfect, even you. You have to express yourself in a mature manner and realize you have faults before you can work on them.

Jessica Andrews has done extensive research in the field of marriage and relationships and more importantly has been in a loving relationship for many years now. If you’re interested in learning further tips on how to stop marriage fighting be sure to take a look at these great guides: Save My Marriage Today

Depression destroys marriages; even good ones. At the onset of depression the “non-sufferer” wants to help and nurse the sufferer back to normal. However there is a very strong chance that, after a while, they simply emotionally and/or physically collapse.

Fortunately Dr. Aaron Beck identified certain faulty thought patterns that are very common among suffers of depression. Read on and learn 3 of these thought patterns (called “Cognitive Distortions”). When you notice these distortions in your spouse you can begin to help them challenge these thoughts, creep out of their depression, and to begin to live normally once again.

1. Feelings Are Translated Into Fact: This debilitating thought pattern is very common when the depression was triggered off by a problematic relationship or a loss of job. Their proof that they ARE not worthless or that they are failures is that they FEEL it is like this. Their reasoning goes something like this, “How can you tell me that I’m not a failure. If I wouldn’t be a failure why do I feel like one?”

The way to challenge this thought is to ask them to think of a time when they felt that they did bad at something (a test, a job interview, or that someone didn’t like them) and were wrong. Don’t expect, though, that when they admit that their feeling were wrong they will stop being depressed. It will take time for them to begin to change thinking like this.

2. Should and must statements. This means that they have a picture of the perfect situation or the perfect personality and assume that this is the only way things can be; if not then they are failures.. For instance, they think “A man my age SHOULD have a steady job.” or “A normal house must be cleaned up and have meals cooked by 5:00.” Since it is not so in their situation they reason that they are failures and become depressed.

The challenge for this type of thinking is ask for them if they know of anyone or can they dream of a situation that a good capable person doesn’t have a steady job. Or “Think of a situation where a house isn’t cleaned up by 5:00 and it is still a functional family.

3. Labeling- You define yourself according to what you do (or don’t do). If you yelled at your wife then you look at yourself as an “uncontrollable madman”. This isn’t true you are really multi-dimension-able. True , you “lost it” once, but you are ALSO a caring person, a provider for your family, and an intelligent person (a democrat (or republican), a Red Sox fan, a lover of music,etc.).

When your spouse sees themselves ONLY as …. then they see no way to become better and they become more and more depressed. To save them (and your marriage), you have to point out to them other facets of them which are truly positive.

Depression damages marriage but it doesn’t mean that there is no way to get out of depression. Learn to identify the thought patterns of depressed people and help your spouse (and yourself) to overcome depression and to begin to be happy and productive once again.

For more than 30 tips on how to improve or save your marriage go to http://www.greatfamilycoaching.com/badmarriage/?sid=3wtsdfdym

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How to Have a Successful Marriage: Characteristics to show you the RIGHT way to save your marriage and to stop your divorce, Pt 3.

The next essential characteristic necessary to help you stop your divorce and save your marriage involves learning to identify and meet your own needs in HEALTHY, APPROPRIATE, & EFFECTIVE avenues, instead of avoiding.

What this means to you as you try to save your marriage is this, everyone divorces for one primary reason, whether they admit it or not, or if they’re even aware of it or not – their needs have been frustrated or unmet for such a long period of time they have lost all hope they will ever be met in their marriage; and, usually one partner has a higher expectation (and demand, explicit or implicit) their spouse be the means to their need fulfillment. Until you can figure out your emotional needs (and we ALL have them) you partner
will continue to feel like their expected to be your mommy or daddy – and no adult wants that.

Perhaps you are trying to meet your needs. Maybe you’ve grown emotionally close to a co-worker; perhaps you spend more nights out with the boys or the girls than you used to; maybe you spend more time at the gym than ever; maybe you’re drinking more; perhaps you’re using a chemical substance; maybe you simply invest all of your time in your kids, church, or other organization. Do you think any of these are HEALTHY, APPROPRIATE OR EFFECTIVE avenues to get your needs met? You might be surprised to hear this but…

THEY ARE NOT!

“What?!”, you say; “Of COURSE, some of these are good ways to take care of myself! How can going to the gym more be a bad thing? You mean to tell me investing all of my time in my children is wrong?! How can serving God by bad? – The Bible says I should. Dude, you’re off your rocker!”

Hold on now, give me a chance, because what I want to help you see is this. Any “good” or “beneficial” activity can become a negative whenever you’re using it to AVOID your spouse or to simply “check out” from your problems. So yes, if you’re going to the gym because you feel less attractive around your spouse and you know some of the guys check you out while you’re exercising and it gives you a little ego boost – yes, this is a “negative” avenue through which to meet your need for validation and acceptance. Yes, if you’re using your kids as a diversion so you don’t have to deal with the issues with your spouse, this is a negative way to fill your need to feel valued because (again) you’re simply avoiding your partner.

If you’re SERIOUS about saving your marriage then you’ll confront the ways you’re avoiding your spouse or ‘checking out’ from your’ relationship with them. We all have marriage problems; when you refuse to confront them in a healthy way is when they get out of control.

I’d guess one of the major problems in your marriage is you, your spouse, if not both of you, feel unsatisfied – unfulfilled – and have felt like this for awhile. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out you’re developing and living separate lives. I bet you really don’t know each other anymore.

You probably feel resentment or bitterness towards your spouse, or they towards you. This is NORMAL when you feel deprived and believe you
have the RIGHT to be happy. You don’t. I don’t want you to miss what I just said so let me be clear: You DO NOT have the RIGHT to be happy.
Happiness isn’t a right; it’s an EMOTION, and like all emotions, it comes & it goes. And, if you’re NOT happy, it certainly is NOT your spouse’s fault. It’s not their job to make you happy, to fulfill you, to meet your needs. Like I said earlier, they’re not your mommy or daddy.

I once had a girlfriend who got upset I couldn’t read her mind. She literally expected me to be able to read her mind; to know what she wanted and what she was thinking. I ended it.

It’s no one’s job but my own to know what I want and what I’m thinking and feeling. It’s also my job to EFFECTIVELY & CLEARLY communicate that to others – especially if I HOPE they’ll help me fulfill my need. It’s also my job to parent myself and to figure out how to effectively & appropriately meet my own needs. Think of it this way: If I can’t figure out what it is I need, how can I expect anyone else to? It’s an unfair & unrealistic expectation. We can only make decisions and take action based on the information available to us; if I don’t have the information (she doesn’t tell me)my partner needs comfort from me, how can I offer her comfort?

I’m an adult and as such it’s MY responsibility to communicate my thoughts, feelings, beliefs, needs, desires, etc. in an effective and appropriate way. Not to pout, whine, complain, act passive-aggressively, demand, scream, take my ball and go home.

You want to save your marriage? – Take responsibility for getting your needs met on your own in healthy, effective, & appropriate ways. As you do so
it will release an immense amount of tension from your marriage. You will feel more satisfied & happy because you’ll be satisfied, and you’ll be able to satisfy your needs, on you own, whenever you want. And, you’ll become more attractive to your partner because they won’t see you as dependent. Plus,
you’ll become more available to them without showing up with demands or expectations. This will further your efforts to save your marriage.

People go to marriage counseling to stop their divorce, like a marriage counselor can just wave a magic wand and you’ll marriage will suddenly be
awesome and all your problems will go away. Or they show up and complain about each other, like if they complain to someone else they’ll hear their right
and so will their spouse and then their spouse will “get it” and change. Look, if you’re unwilling to simply implement what I’m showing you to do, marriage
counseling will be just as useless. Marriage counseling is only effective if you’re willing to take responsibility & implement new skills and ways of thinking
and being.

In the next article I’m going to share with you a very CRITICAL aspect around emotional fulfillment, and why it will RUIN your attempts to save your marriage or stop your divorce if you don’t take IMMEDIATE action!

P.S.: If this article was helpful to you, encouraged or supported you, or if you learned something new or were reminded of something you needed to be reminded of – let me know! I’d love to hear from you!! Also, if you think it would benefit someone you care about, please do them a favor and “pass it on!”

If you’re tired of the way you’ve been unconsciously sabotaging your marriage – and you don’t want to unconsciously sabotage your efforts at saving your marriage and stopping your divorce – then Brian is one of the most qualified specialists to help you. Brian has not only the skills, tools, education, and practical application – but also the personal experience necessary in helping to stop divorce and save your marriage.

Brian brings with him his own experience of being left by his wife – and now offers his insights and wisdom to you so you don’t have to make the same mistakes. Learn from someone who’s been where you’re at – and who can give you “real world” practical wisdom

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